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Writer's pictureTamar Appleman

Click to Accept


I've been thinking about Acceptance in the past few days. Not of tangible things. Of the mental state. The one that is the opposite of Resistance. The quality. The ability to be with reality as it is. (To be honest, I am, too, feeling resistance while writing these words).

So, let's check what Acceptance isn't - which, I believe, are the things we really resist - and understand what it is:

1. Acceptance is not despair nor giving up - when something or someone is not as we would want it to be, or when we are in a situation, we wish we weren't, accepting things the way they are does not mean that we consent with them continuing this way, nor that we stop acting for our needs, wills, and goals. It just means that this is the way it is right now, and we just acknowledge them as they are. Becoming aware of the facts, without our subjective interpretation – “It is Tuesday, morning, it's cold, it's raining, the traffic is jammed, I'm late, my partner was troubled this morning, I miss his attention”.

2. It is also not self deprecation - it just a way to stop arguing and fighting with reality, that as we know, always wins. (In my opinion, it also stops the kind of arguments and fightings that makes things worse with others connected to the situation we resist).

Acceptance
The upcoming storm that has changed my plans

Me "fighting" the weather or resisting the fact it's hot in August in Tel Aviv or that it's stormy today, will not change the weather. It will only make me nervous and make my day hard. And if I simply dress accordingly, and find ways to cool down or warm up, I will be able to live with it more peacefully.

So, when we find our way to accept things as they are, it means that instead of criticising ourselves, others, the situation, or starting a righteous war, because "this is not the way it should be", we in fact create space for Understanding:

What's happened/happening to us,

What are we feeling right now,

What do we want instead,

What do we need.

This enables us to recognise what can help us,

How can we answer our needs and wills,

And identify what is within our responsibility and capability and what's not.

Sometimes we will realise that the best thing is actually to do nothing, and sometimes it'll be to find a way and a place to appropriately express our emotions, without "breaking all hell loose".

So instead of self deprecation, we got a lot of space... And saved a lot of energy on resisting and fighting.

Because though we cannot change the past, we can learn from it, and we can use the learnings to change, if we would like, what we would want, in the present and the future. Which also changes our feelings about what had happened.

3. It is definitely not legitimising hurtful behaviours. Towards us and others. It is not "turning the other cheek". It is finding the right way for us to define our boundaries and protect them. With respect to everyone involved.

This is the point, you are probably thinking, “Ok, fine, but how do we practice that??”

If you are, continue reading, I will share tools that assist me, and if not - skip to the end:

1. Pema Chodron's book, "When Things Fall Apart". I keep it on my nightstand, yes, also now, while on a journey. I read it repeatedly. From beginning to end, end to beginning. Chosen chapters, or wherever I open it. Every way works for me, and I understand and learn something new, in every reading.

2. Slowing down, meaning I step away from the situation to look inside me and figure out what happened within me, what do I feel, what do I need, what can I do or cannot, how is this happening for me (not to me or against me), can I learn something from it. I sometimes do it in my thoughts, but it is much easier in writing. Writing makes the process shorter and more organised. It also makes us know and understand ourselves better.

3. I breathe slowly and remind myself that everything changes, in motion, influencung and influenced :)

 

And maybe there are other things that you associate with Acceptance, that make it hard for you,

Or maybe you can enlighten me with tools that help you practice it,

And maybe you totally disagree with me and even resist my words!

In any case, I will be happy to read from you!


Acceptance enables me to also handle and process big and significant life events, acknowledging "There are no mistakes in the Universe". Alan Watts explains it better than I do




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